Today was a bad day…well, not really. I mean it was a bad day for someone I really love a lot – and because I feel so deeply for others, especially those that mean a lot to me, someone else’s bad day can really bring me down.
In the past, these types of days would totally derail me – and while I have been shaken, as I sit and reflect, I can see my growth (and my support team) keeping me at the center of my focus even as I have someone else’s well being in my peripheral.
I still have the old instincts, rush to solve what I don’t even fully understand. Realize I am more powerless over someone else’s life than I would like to be, then inwardly implode in an helpless meltdown.
Not able to control someone else – grab the Lindor, or Ben and Gerry’s, someone anyone – where is the WINE. You know what this calls for a hard Wray and Nephew with Coke – and a night on the town..who’s up for going out and forgetting everything? No one…we’re in Covid lockdown – great!
Deep breath. What ELSE can I do when I am stressing. What other options are there than self-sabotage to demonstrate my undying loyalty and love to someone I can not ‘fix.’
My mind goes through the motions. What if I did NOTHING out of the ordinary. What if I still ate healthy, still exercised, still remained calm (I didn’t – but I am working on it), still went for a walk.
So that’s what I did. I went about my normal day. I cried in the grocery store and almost threw up on my walk truly sick with worry about my loved one – but you know what – I survived.
Then, when I got home – I wanted to break open the Christmas cookies – but I didn’t (well, it was because my 6 foot football player son stood between me and them like Nope Mom, I’m not letting you go out like that) but still can’t we say it was a little bit my will power too lol (sigh.)
Okay, I still needed more. I still felt ill in the pit of my stomach. I laid down. Played calming music. Just rested. Let myself off the hook for the rest of the day and simply loved me. Soothed myself.
That’s when I realized, after a long day of being hell bend on being hell bound in some fit of glory loyalty quest that the best thing I could do for me, and for the people I love, even the person I am hurting for, is to be good to me – even on the bad days!
I know it’s been hard, with Covid everything is weird and different, and a lot of people are having down days. I hope this post will remind you that no matter what is going on there are a few things you control – your breath, your mind, and the way you love you.
xoxo Jessica Lambert
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