This week I have had a few friends mention circumstances where someone has threatened to harm or even kills themselves. I also spoke with a couple people who admitted to self-harming because they did not feel accepted by others.
At first I wondered if this truly is a prevalent issue, something coming up in my life so I can look at it, or a mere coincidence?
When I looked into it more – I found that this is not random at all. It’s something real, and something deserving of time and thought – so let’s chat about it.
According to the Mental Health Commission (mentalhealthcommission.ca) in Canada Mental Health is down 16% – this means we as a society are not doing so great in the area of mental health. Of course, there are lots of reason for this i.e. the Pandemic, isolation, lack of medical care because people are concerned about visiting health care facilities amidst the pandemic, and the devastating economic impact on many people.
Yet, even before the Pandemic suicide has been an issue.
In college I had a very good friend kill herself while I was on the phone with her – she was tired of everyone calling her fat – she was a size 6, literally tiny, but everything is perspective in life. I told her she was beautiful all the time, but the things we tell ourselves are always the loudest and most influential – a very important lesson on self-talk and self-love, it’s literally a matter of life and death.
Sometimes the person knows they will not commit suicide – but they threaten as a method to control you. That’s something I experienced at a young age. My mother would get upset with me and say if I didn’t do this or that she would ‘kill herself’. I was too young to even fully understand but what I heard was the person I loved most in the world, and the person I relied on for food, clothing, shelter, and safety was going to disappear if I did not comply. It terrified me, and so I always complied.
By the time I was living with my grandma (more on that as you get to know me and my story better) I realized this idol threat must have been hereditary because my grandmother tried the same tactic “maybe I will just go jump off a bridge” she would say…I am not sure if she knew that a family member on the other side had already done this, none-the-less after a young lifetime of hearing my mother say it I was numb.
So this week when I heard of people threatening to kill themselves the first thing I felt was numb. I mean, my mother (after she came back from her 10-year hiatus) literally would say “oh maybe I should go kill myself” or later it became “you are going to make me smoke” and after my bestfriend Sherry died of lung cancer from smoking it felt absolutely insensitive and egregious that my mom would threaten me or blame me when she smoked. Absolutely heart breaking. So I numbed some more.
Yet, I also have a warm and caring heart. So when I heard about a young lady who threatened to kill herself and I noticed how numb I felt, and I knew I needed to dig deeper. Thank you blog.
As I meditated I realized that I had suppressed a history of suicide all around me when I was growing up. I remember my childhood best friend had a neighbor who hung himself in the bathroom. One day I just stopped seeing him in the backyard when I went to her house. Everyone knew what happened, and it gave me chills whenever I saw his place. I felt so bad for his mom and sister – then they moved, understandable!
As I contemplated the impact these experiences had on me, all these repressed memories came flooding back. Then I remembered even I had caught this dis-ease at one time. As a teen, hurt, feeling abandoned by my parents (well not so much a feeling as a fact, they were gone), misunderstood by my grandmother (why can’t I wear ripped jeans with lace and talk to boys all day – the nerve), and annoyed by my uncle (no, I didn’t have to share the phone – didn’t he know I had to talk to Roger all day!) After the pressure of all these weird internal feelings bubbled up – and as my relationships with Roger grew tense and unstable – I burst, and over the smallest thing I told my grandma loud and clear don’t push me because I will ‘kill myself.”
I am not proud of it on reflection; and I am far too much of a scaredy cat to ever do it, but at the time what I really meant was “I feel alone, I have so much I want to talk about but I am so scared, I don’t even understand my feelings how could I explain them to anyone else, why can’t anyone see my pain, doesn’t anyone care”. I meant all of that – and more, I just could not verbalize it, so it came out as the most extrema threat I could think of, the one I had been taught to say when upset and without clear comprehensible words.
My grandma barely reacted – perhaps she was also numb to it. Perhaps she raised my mom hearing those same words and had the same outcome – nothingness. Maybe her mother said it to her? All I knew was I found myself falling into the same self-destructive cycle I saw my mom and grandmother go through and I didn’t like how it made me feel.
I don’t want to be someone who is insensitive to the pain of others – but I also don’t want to be manipulated by threats either. So I thought about my own journey and what helped me as I navigated from pain to love for myself and others.
Loving myself has been the most blessed journey and the exciting thing is that it’s just starting. When you focus on you, do the things needed to get you where you want to be in life, taking care of your health, setting boundaries in your relationships, being aware of your breath, loving your unique beauty, finding and growing God’s unique purpose for you…then believe me – you will never ever again use the death as a threat to mask your pain. Learning how to work through your pain and come out on the other end feeling stronger is so powerful and it will remind you how truly precious life is.
Next time you think about killing yourself, instead try these little tips:
- Breath – long deep breaths into your belly (in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, out for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds and repeat 10 times.)
- Write a gratitude list – what are you grateful for? It could be as simple as the blue sky, the air you are breathing, life, opportunity for tomorrow to be better…you choose, but find something and hold onto it.
- Consider What is Bothering You & Brainstorm Solutions – Instead of trying to manipulate others into understanding you, or trying to inflict further pain to push down the root cause, look it square in the face and deal with it. There is something so powerful about handling your issues head on and coming out victorious – you got this. If the root cause involves someone else you can try speaking to them honestly and openly. However don’t have expectations – you do not have control over how another person interprets what you say or reacts to you. Speak your truth and let go.
- Seek Help – if you truly think you are serious about killing yourself get help asap. I am NOT a medical professional and this is NOT medical advice. I am more of a big sister sharing my experiences and showing love. That’s me, big sister Goddess Jessica at your service :).
- Be Kind to You – no matter what is going on, being mean to yourself does not benefit anyone, least of all you. You need to trust that you were created for a purpose and are exactly as you should be. You are beautiful and you are bless. Write a mantra that reminds you of your unique awesomeness and say it every morning and night to yourself. If you have to you can say it all day “I am awesome, I am the best blogger in the world, I am so beautiful, I love my strong, healthy, curvy body, I love the way I sound on my podcast, I help so many people by simply being me, I am so grateful for my son and fam and family.” You get the point – that’s my mantra, you get your own :)!
We all have moments of stress, moments where we feel we could lose it. We owe it to ourselves to seek out the tools and tips that can move us from overwhelmed to self-control, from reactionary to intentional; because that is what YevOne is all about – living life intentionally, on your terms, by design, and celebrating and manifesting your true divine inner god(dess).
If someone is threatening you with suicide recognize it is a cry for help, be compassionate, but do not be manipulated. Understand that you may not be the right person to help them, and in fact that they need to help themselves – but you can show compassion. If they need professional intervention seek it asap. Always remember to be kind to yourself and others.
Let me know in the comments what you do to remain calm and continue to walk in your own truth and light.
xoxo Jessica Tha Goddess.
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